Introduction: The Failure Paradox
When I was younger, I avoided failure the way most people avoid talking politics at Christmas dinner: with the kind of desperate evasiveness usually reserved for minefields. And for a while, it worked. I didn’t fail. I also didn’t succeed. Or grow. Or do much of anything, really. It all seems obvious in retrospect, but here’s a crazy idea: in the same way that to become liked, you need to let go of wanting others to like you, to achieve something, you need to let go of your fear of failure. Because without failure, there’s no growth.
Why We Avoid Failure (And Why That’s Stupid)
We avoid failure because we lack confidence. But confident people don’t avoid failure; they act despite it. Interestingly, the moment you start failing, the closer you get to achieving something. This involves stepping out of your comfort zone until it becomes a habit. You’ll eventually get to the point where you don’t care what happens because even if you fail, you’re still being authentic to yourself. As a result, most people will like you and feel attracted to you. Some people might dislike you, but they’ll still respect you. To be clear, you should never do things just to please people and gain their approval. As ironic as it sounds, the more you want people to like you, the less they’ll do. I call this “Michael Scott syndrome”.
That last point is important because we’re wired to avoid failure, and we want people to like us. That’s hardwired into our psychology because, to our ancestors, being exiled from their tribe meant death. Back then, exile meant being eaten by wolves. Today, it means being roasted in the group chat. We no longer have to fear rejection, embarrassment, or appearing incompetent. Quite the contrary, prizes are waiting for those who have a healthy relationship with failure.
The Asymmetry of Modern Risk
See, we live in a world of asymmetries. The risks are low, but the rewards are high. Most of the time, the worst outcome is mild embarrassment. The best outcome is that your life improves significantly. Not exactly Russian roulette. There are immense rewards and small consequences for those willing to start a YouTube channel, speak to attractive people, or develop healthy habits, for instance. Yet most people avoid those slightly uncomfortable things, which means they never get to reap the life-changing rewards.
The Confidence-Failure Loop
To confident people, rejection or embarrassment is part of the process. Despite the risk of failing, these people take action and don’t care about the consequences. To the rest of us, confident people look superhuman, but that’s because we ignore the fact that anyone can be more confident. Confidence isn’t some genetic gift like blue eyes or fast metabolism. It’s more like calluses: you build it by doing the hard thing often enough that it stops hurting. It all starts by taking risks and making it a habit. Eventually, you’ll have such a healthy relationship with yourself that you won’t care what others think about you.
The Secret Sauce: Indifference (Not Narcissism)
Confidence isn’t the same as having a sociopathic indifference to others. That’s what experts call narcissism or being an asshole, depending on the lighting. Confidence is being able to do things, knowing that it might not make you popular. Ironically, knowing this and still deciding to act will make you even more popular.
Rewiring Your Relationship with Failure
The fear of failure will never go away, regardless of how confident you become. What changes is your relationship with it. Instead of waiting for failure to go away, take decisive action. In a way, fear of failure is like background noise: you can’t mute it entirely, but you can learn to tune it out. The more you expose yourself to risk and discomfort, the more resilience you build. Over time, you become comfortable with failure, and care less about what others think of you.
Why Chasing Approval Backfires
That said, the goal isn’t to stop caring completely about what others think of you; the idea is to care less and act despite it. This is how you develop confidence and authenticity. That’s what makes you attractive to others and what leads to having a healthier relationship with yourself. On the other hand, constantly seeking validation makes you less genuine, and people will like you less as a consequence. I know it’s a fine line to walk, but authenticity works like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets. People can smell neediness like cheap cologne: strong, oversweet, and impossible to ignore. The more you try to make everyone like you, the fewer people do.
Conclusion: The Only Way Out Is Through
In the end, failure isn’t something to avoid but something to actively pursue. The only caveat is that you should pursue things authentically and not for the approval of someone else. You don’t need to be fearless. You just need to be brave enough to risk getting roasted in the group chat (again and again) until you realize you’re still standing.