The Book in Three Sentences
In this summary of The Courage to Be Disliked, you’ll learn to free yourself from past experiences and societal expectations. The book uses the teachings of Alfred Adler to help you become the best version of yourself. The Courage to Be Disliked is an accessible psychology book that millions have read to unlock their potential.
The Courage to Be Disliked Summary
This book is based on Alfred Adler’s philosophies. Along with Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, Adler is one of the most important contributors to psychology. This book attempts to distill Adler’s teachings in a narrative dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. Adlerian psychology tries to answer the question “How can one be happy?”
Introduction
The world is a simple place, but we make it complicated. When we interpret the world, we give meaning to it. Not two people look at the world in the same way. While to some, the world seems a happy place, to others, it seems the opposite. Our subjectivity creates the illusion that the world is a certain way, but that happens because we can’t look at it subjectively. We can’t escape our subjectivity unless we change. The world isn’t the problem; we are. To change, we need courage. As difficult as it is to accept, change, and happiness are choices we make.
Chapter 1: Deny Trauma
If you have no expectations, you can change and find happiness. We think that the problem that gets in the way is trauma, but our past doesn’t always decide our present and future. Adlerian psychology states that the past doesn’t matter. While past causes aren’t important, present goals are. When we don’t want to do something, we make up a state of anxiety or fear. Adlerian psychology calls this teleology. To be clear, fear and anxiety are real feelings, but we make up these symptoms to achieve a goal.
For Adler, trauma doesn’t exist. No experience we’ve had in the past leads to either success or failure. We create “trauma” to suit our purposes. In other words, we give meaning to past experiences to explain our lives somehow. Ultimately, how we live our lives is our choice. Likewise, we’re responsible for our emotions. Emotions are tools we use to achieve our goals. For example, we can use anger to overpower someone. We can choose not to be controlled by emotion, and not to be controlled by our past. If our past always binds us, we can’t be happy. The only way to be happy is to be in touch with the present moment. Our insistence on changing the past is what makes our lives so difficult.
Happiness is a choice we make. In Adlerian psychology, how we see the world is what we call lifestyle. It’s our worldview, as well as our personality. Our lifestyle is how we define ourselves: a pessimist, overstimulated, ambitious, and so on. Our lifestyle is a choice we make at around age ten. This isn’t something we’re born with, but something we choose for ourselves, and if we want, we can choose it all over again.
We can change at any time, regardless of the environment. We’re choosing lifestyles all the time. Every conversation with someone else forces us to select new lifestyles. When we’re unable to change, it’s because we decided not to. At some point, we chose our current lifestyle because we thought it was the most practical. Selecting a new lifestyle is possible, but it would lead to unpredictable results. In other words, we often stay the same because it’s easier and more secure. Change is possible, but it demands courage. We can’t blame our unhappiness on our past, current circumstances, or lack of competence. To be happy, we just need courage.
Chapter 2: All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
When people dislike themselves, it’s because they have already decided they are not going to like themselves. As a consequence, they only notice their shortcomings. When we see a part of us as a problem, we make that up because we need it as an excuse. When this is the case, the best thing the person can do is accept themselves as they are now. Then, they need the courage to step out of their comfort zone and accept the outcome. Adlerian psychology calls this encouragement.
According to Adler, all problems are interpersonal problems. He believed that if someone were alone in the world, all problems would go away. Feelings of inferiority happen when we compare ourselves to others, for example. These feelings aren’t objective facts, but subjective interpretations. We can’t change objective facts, but we can change our subjective interpretations of them.
We come to this world helpless, and we want to escape that state. This is what Adler called “pursuit of superiority”. Everything we do from a young age (talk, walk, and so on) is due to the pursuit of superiority. The opposite of this is the feeling of inferiority. As we try to improve, we come across hard ideas, and we develop a “sense of being lesser”. Both the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority help us grow. Our disatisfaction with our present situation leads to progress. Some people give up before even trying. This is because they have an inferiority complex. Complex, in this context, refers to a state where one has complicated ideas and emotions. Unlike the feeling of inferiority (which can help us grow), in the inferiority complex, you lack the courage to change your lifestyle.
Having a feeling of inferiority makes you feel you lack something. There are two paths to compensate for the part we’re lacking. The healthiest way is to strive and grow. The unhealthiest way is by developing a superiority complex. When you can’t accept that you need to get better at something before you succeed, you look for a shortcut. In other words, you act superior. When someone brags about past achievements in an arrogant manner, they feel the need to do so because they lack confidence in themselves. When you feel confident in yourself, you don’t feel the need to boast. Similarly, other people brag about their misfortune as a way to make themselves “special”. They use misfortune as a way to control situations and people around them.
Life shouldn’t be about putting others down. You can move forward without competing with anyone. The healthiest way to deal with feelings of inferiority isn’t to compete with others, but to compare yourself now with your ideal self. We’re all different, so comparing ourselves with others is unfair. The fact that we’re different doesn’t make us better or worse. In that regard, we’re all equal. Life isn’t a competition because there aren’t any winners or losers when it ends. Other people aren’t worried about you because they’re too busy worrying about themselves. When you think of other people as comrades instead of rivals, your view of the world changes.
We use anger as a tool for making others submit to us. When someone gets angry at you, that person is challenging you to a power struggle. They want to prove their power by winning a fight against you. The person who loses the fight will inevitably seek revenge. If it gets to that point, nobody will find a solution. To prevent the power struggle from happening in the first place, someone should admit fault. Admitting fault isn’t the same as admitting defeat. We use anger as a tool to communicate how we feel. The problem is that it’s an intellectual one. Language and logic are better ways to communicate.
There are two objectives for human behavior in Adlerian psychology: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. There are also two objectives for psychology: the consciousness that I have the ability, and the consciousness that people are my comrades. To achieve these objectives, one must face the so-called life tasks, which are divided into three: tasks of work, tasks of friendship, and tasks of love. Life tasks are the interpersonal relationships a person must confront when living as part of a society. We can’t complete those tasks without the help of other people.
To avoid your life tasks and interpersonal relationships, you can make up for flaws in other people. This state of coming up with excuses to avoid tasks is what we call the life lie. We do this to shift our responsibility and put it on someone else. In other words, we blame someone or something else for escaping from our life tasks. These excuses may come in different forms, such as lying to ourselves. As difficult as it is to accept, you chose your own lifestyle, therefore, it’s your responsibility. Ultimately, Adlerian psychology is a psychology of use. We’re not at the mercy of external forces, we choose how we live. The only thing we need to do to overcome the problems we face is courage.
Chapter 3: Discard Other People’s Tasks
Adlerian psychology rejects the desire for recognition. We mustn’t seek recognition. We shouldn’t live to satisfy other people’s expectations. Every one of us should live our own lives. By thinking about how others judge us, we’re living someone else’s life. If we’re not careful, our desire for recognition can make us throw away our lives.
When confronted with something to do, you must ask yourself, “Whose task is this?” If it’s your responsibility, then it’s your task, and you should figure out a way to do it, and no one should intrude on your tasks (in the same way you shouldn’t intrude on theirs.) This is what Adler called the separation of tasks. All interpersonal problems are caused by trying to solve other people’s tasks.
The bonds that represent our interpersonal relationships are often intricate knots. Instead of trying to untie them, the best way to deal with them is to cut them. We shouldn’t live in isolation, but we should have a certain distance from others. The distance shouldn’t be too small or too great. Maintaining this distance often leads to healthy relationships.
Not wanting to be disliked by others is a human impulse. Kant called this desire “inclination”. Living our lives like this makes us slaves. True freedom is having the courage to be disliked. When you’re disliked by someone, that’s a sign you’re living life according to your values. To be clear, you shouldn’t live life hoping to be disliked, you simply accept it when it happens.
Chapter 4: Where the Center of the World Is
Adlerian psychology has been referred to as an “individual psychology”. An individual is someone or something indivisible, which means it’s the smallest possible unit. In other words, it refers to something that can’t be divided. Adler refused to believe that the mind can’t be separated from the body. The same happens with reason and emotion. We are a unified whole. This is often called “holism”.
The goal of interpersonal relationships is community feeling. This is a form of refuge we find in other people, as well as animals and inanimate objects. This includes everything that exists, has existed, and will exist. As long as two people coexist, we switch from self-interest to social interest. Deep down, we all desire to be part of a community.
Each of us feels like we’re the protagonist of our own life. Nevertheless, some people feel like they’re the protagonists of the world’s life. They feel like kings or queens, and think everyone else is supposed to serve them. When they don’t get what they want, they feel insulted and become resentful. No one should feel like they’re the center of the world because we’re all part of a community. To feel like we belong in that community, we need to make an active commitment: we need to face our life tasks. No one is separated from the community, whether they like it or not.
In terms of interpersonal relationships, we shouldn’t criticize or praise. Praising makes the person on the receiving end feel like they’re being judged. This leads to a hierarchical relationship when one person (the one who praises) is above the one being praised. In life, we should pursue horizontal relationships. This means everyone is equal. Praising is a way to manipulate someone you think is less capable than you. Both praising and criticizing lead to vertical relationships where everyone isn’t equal.
When we want to help someone, we shouldn’t intervene but assist. Intervention is a form of manipulation where we tell someone what to do. Assisting is about encouraging the other person to solve their own problems. This is what Adler called “encouragement”. Having a true sense of one’s worth is accomplished when we are beneficial to the community. In other words, when we feel useful to someone else.
Chapter 5: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now
To move from self-interest to social interest and gain a sense of community feeling, you need three things: self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others. Self-acceptance refers to acknowledging both our capabilities as well as our flaws objectively. Simply put, focus on what you can change and ignore what you can’t. This is what Adler called “affirmative resignation”. Confidence in others refers to believing unconditionally in people. The opposite of confidence in this context is doubt. No meaningful relationship can blossom if you doubt other people. You always need confidence. You can’t control if someone else tries to take advantage of you.
Finally, contributing to others refers to being of service to someone else. This doesn’t imply sacrifice, but rather to help others for yourself. You provide value to society through work. The mere act of being useful will give you self-worth.
Anyone could be happy this very moment, but the people who don’t want to be happy, never will be. For a person, the ultimate happiness is the ability to like oneself. To like yourself, you just have to be useful. Everyone wants to feel that they have worth. As the author puts it, “happiness is the feeling of contribution”.
We mustn’t reject normality. There’s nothing wrong with being normal. In a way, most people want to feel special, but being normal isn’t a bad thing. If we have grand goals and don’t achieve them, that doesn’t mean our life was a failure. Our life is a series of moments where the only thing that exists is now. Life isn’t a line we can carefully plan, but a series of dots. There’s no goal to life but to enjoy the present moment. In other words, life is about the journey, not the destination. In that regard, the past and the future don’t exist. The past doesn’t influence the present, and the future is uncertain. We just exist in the here and now. Life is always complete as long as you live authentically. The greatest life lie is not to live in the here and now.
Further Reading
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