“The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Love yourself. Otherwise, no one else will.”
Mark Manson – Models
People often ask me why I read dating books so diligently. My answer is always the same: you can learn the basics of psychology from dating books. When you do, this gives you an advantage in social settings. Some of the lessons you can find in dating books are universal and work well in contexts where you interact with people you have no romantic interest in. I recently went over Mark Manson’s Models (you can read my summary of the book here) and as I was reading the book, I couldn’t help but connect its ideas to other disciplines beyond just dating.
To Attract Others, Stop Your Need for Attention
The book has countless lessons you can apply, even if you already have a partner. For instance, the book emphasizes a term the author calls neediness. The idea is that to attract others, you need to develop a lack of need for attention and admiration. According to Manson, Attraction isn’t about saying the right things but changing your self-perception. This echoes the sentiment from the quote at the top of this article. For others to love you, you first have to love yourself.
The Paralysis of Overplanning
One of the most important lessons I took from this book is related to the compulsion to read and study all the time. Manson says: “And ultimately, no matter how much you read, how much you study, how much you watch about dating and attracting women, if you’re unable to take action, you will get nowhere.” There’s something toxic about the self-help world where the content we consume tends to make us feel incomplete. The answers, we think, are hidden within the pages of a popular book and once we have those answers, we’ll finally figure things out. That’s not how any of that works. “The first minute of action is worth more than a year of perfect planning”, James Clear once wrote. So go ahead and do what you’re supposed to, experience will teach you what you need. You can always return to the books or videos later if you need it.
The Resistance and the Stories We Tell Ourselves
Something that gets in the way when we’re trying to overcome our emotional problems is the stories we tell ourselves. Here’s Manson again, “The only important ‘skill’ in dating is learning to stop buying into your own bullshit, to stop believing your own stories.” Author Steven Pressfield calls this internal foe, The Resistance and you can read more about it here. To stop those stories and change our behavior, we must first become aware of them. So think about it, what stories do you tell yourself that feed The Resistance? When you think about what’s preventing you from achieving what you want, it’s probably not something external, but something within yourself.
The Key to Better Relationships Is Vulnerability
The core pillars of the book are vulnerability and honesty. Vulnerability is key to having better relationships and it’s when you “express your thoughts and feelings as they come to you, without inhibition, without shame.” The words aren’t important, your intentions are, and don’t worry, people will read between the lines. Honesty is about showing what you want without apology. When you want to do something and don’t act, you’re being dishonest with yourself. These aren’t things that women want from men, these are things that the world wants from you. Whenever you confront an empty canvas, remember to be honest and vulnerable. Soon, your rough edges will surface and as tempting as it is to hide them, that’s exactly what will make you attractive.