The Paradox of Happiness: Simple List, Messy Lives
I spend too much time thinking about happiness. This isn’t as weird as it sounds, since every major philosophy and religion has focused on happiness for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. From the Stoics to modern psychology, something every major tradition agrees on is that happiness isn’t about what you own, but how you live. I’ve never read something as simple as Morgan Housel’s definition of happiness, though. He defines it as (and I’m paraphrasing here) having a family, friends, health, and a sense of purpose. Could it be that simple?
I think there’s this understanding that happiness is this complicated and mystical thing, yet the best definition sounds like basic life-maintenance checklists. So ironically, we Google “how to be happy”, but ignore sleep, call nobody back, and forget to drink water. Then we wonder why we’re so miserable. Modern culture makes simple things look too boring to matter, and they’re constantly overshadowed by the next “life upgrade”. We glorify 18-hour workdays, but nobody posts “I took a nap and didn’t hate myself for it.” Your feed is bombarding you with exotic vacations, half marathons before breakfast, and perfect kitchens, but the most important things in life aren’t photogenic. That’s why nobody takes a picture of themselves having a glass of water or calling their best friend on the phone.
The thing about happiness is that it’s shockingly simple to define, but surprisingly hard to practice. See, happiness is simple in the same way that breaking up with someone is simple. In theory, breaking up with someone involves having an uncomfortable conversation with that person. In practice, though, you risk disappointment, conflict, and the loss of a relationship with someone who matters to you. It’s mechanically simple, but emotionally brutal. It’s the same thing with happiness. Housel defined it in a few words, but putting it into practice is hard because it’s easy to ignore the basics, the alternatives can hijack you, and on top of that, the returns are slow and invisible. In this essay, though, I want to unpack the importance of the basics and explain why being happy isn’t as hard as we think.
Family: The Emotional Ground Floor
Everyone has different definitions of family, but I think family is the people who show up for you (chosen family), and it has nothing to do with DNA (biological family). The concept of family is important because our emotional baseline comes from early attachment and ongoing relationships with people who feel permanent.
See, in psychology, there’s something called attachment theory. Secure attachment is feeling comfortable with intimacy and relying on others. Insecure attachment, on the other hand, involves having anxiety about abandonment or avoiding intimacy, often leading to clinginess or distance. The important thing to note here is that attachment styles stem from early caregiving experiences. With this in mind, family is extremely important because it’s the people you interact with regularly. The people you share meals with, the ones with whom you have dumb inside jokes, and the ones who remember how you take your coffee.
Friends: The Happiness Multiplier
As important as family is, everyone needs friends. Friendships provide novelty, levity, co-regulation, and identity in ways family can’t. There’s research pointing out that loneliness is as deadly as smoking, so the alternative is not good. Some of the consequences of not having friends include increased chances of heart disease, stroke, and a shortened lifespan. The best friends you can have are those who accept you for who you are, so don’t try to impress anyone and show your actual self. Friends give you perspective by pulling you out of your own head. I can’t count the number of conversations that encouraged me to think about a problem from a different perspective, just because I talked about it with someone who had a different opinion from me and wasn’t afraid to hurt my feelings.
Health: The Silent Prerequisite
Health is invisible until it’s gone. When it’s gone, it’s all you think about. That’s why teenagers are so careless, but adults think twice before that third tequila shot. There’s a strong connection between physical health and emotional resilience. For the sake of narrowing it down, health involves adequate sleep, exercising regularly, eating nutritious meals, and managing stress. It’s not about treating problems when they show up; it’s about preventing them before they do. When you feel good physically, life’s smallest pleasures feel more important. For some reason, hustle culture treats burnout like a personality trait. You watch this lengthy video about how to build a million-dollar company, but the only competitive edge you need is sleeping 8 hours a day. Which brings me to the next point…
Sleep: The Boring Superpower
Sleep is the least glamorous, but most powerful “upgrade” to happiness. Sleep is important because it affects mood, memory, patience, and anxiety regulation. Have you ever been around a baby who’s sleepy? We adults aren’t that different. We hide it better, but we’re experiencing the same emotions: irritability, frustration, crankiness. I dare you to play some Sabrina Carpenter after I’ve slept for only 6 hours. I. Dare. You. The thing about health is that we try all these complicated biohacks during the day (intermittent fasting, cold exposure, and downloading every meditation app under the sun), but we still sleep less than 8 hours a day.
Purpose: Why You Need a Reason
Let me introduce you to two cousins: pleasure and purpose. Like I said, they’re related, but whenever I invite them to a party, they behave completely differently. Pleasure is the immediate hit, the dopamine rush you experience before doing something. The thing about pleasure is that there are no expectations and no homework after. Purpose, on the other hand, is about being serious or rigid, not because you have to, but because you want to. Although pleasure is about consumption, purpose is about engagement.
Think about movies, for example. If you use movies as an escape, once the movie’s over, you probably think, “man, that was fun”. That’s pleasure. But if you watch movies to understand the filmmaking process or if you’re curious about how a scene was able to hit you so hard, that’s purpose. Of course, we can get purpose from a variety of activities, but the best ones lead to meaningful relationships, personal growth, or physical and mental well-being.
Autonomy: Choosing Your Own Life
Autonomy is the feeling that you have some say in how your life goes, and as important as it is, we often take it for granted. The important thing to note about autonomy is that it boosts happiness, even if the circumstances stay the same. There are countless examples of autonomy, but some include flexible schedules, choosing your hobbies, and designing your daily routines however you see fit.
While control is psychologically stabilizing, helplessness is psychologically corrosive. That’s why democracies often have higher happiness scores than authoritarian countries. This ties back to the previous subsection: although purpose gives meaning, autonomy gives ownership.
Play: Joy Without a Reason
Play is important because it gives a sense of aliveness, creativity, spontaneity, and silliness. The best part about play is that you can incorporate it into your life in small quantities and still get its benefits. Some examples of “micro-play” include music, hobbies, sports, games, doodling, cooking experiences, and even movie nights. The examples are endless because you can pick something you like and turn it into some kind of game. There’s nothing sophisticated about play; you just have to pick something and do it for the sake of it. Life without play becomes narrow and brittle.
Conclusion: Happiness Isn’t Complicated, Just Easy to Ignore
When you zoom out, Housel’s list looks comically small. Family. Friends. Health. Sleep. Purpose. That’s not a list of things that go viral or that TED talks revolve around, but they’re the pillars everything else rests on. Happiness isn’t about adding more to your life; it’s about maintaining what’s already there. So instead of adding, subtract until you put the essentials back into your calendar. Call someone you love. Drink a glass of water. Go to bed early. It’s not impressive, but it can change your life.
In the end, happiness isn’t complicated. It’s just quiet. You only hear it when the noise stops.
